Am I the only one left shaking by the closeness of Heaven? Last week my cousin Casey died and I feel like God opened the Heavens and blinded me with a small flash of eternity.
I felt horror that someone so young could die and this strange sense of relief at the same time. He faced death and now he's ok. More then ok.
I felt sadness. Sad because there's a wall that I can't get through now when I want to the most.
I felt awe. Awe, because God loved Casey so much and was so proud of the life he lead that He let the world hear and see.
I cried. For me, for his family, for his friends. There's honor and respect and admiration in tears you know. So I cried for Casey and I cried for a God who loves each of us so much and feels our pain.
I smile, because tonight Heaven seems very near.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Sermon for Me
I love Christmas, I look forward to it all year long and now its over until next year. I love it 'cause there's presents and family and tradition.I also love Christmas because everyone who celebrates Christmas in whatever way, mislead or no, is still celebrating the birth of Christ.
We went to South Carolina and enjoyed a southern white Christmas for the first time in almost 50 years. Its nice to go home when you don't live there anymore. I don't have to feel responsible for dirty dishes or unplanned meals or hanging out laundry when its freezing outside. We also got to shop and crochet and eat cheese. Those are things that I think we did the most of on our vacation.
Crocheting is my new hobby.My sister in law made herself a sweater and I decided if she can make one then I can too. So far I've actually produced almost four scarves and one and a half hats. Unfortunatly, I'm getting tired of my new hobby and I have yet to produce a sweater.
We ate lots of cheese 'cause mom had these large squares of the stuff that she'd gotten at Sam's Club. Makes sense since Sam's doesn't sell anything in small quantities. Anyway, she cubed it into nice little squares and we ate lots of them because they're fun to eat and I was feeling thin and thought I should eat lots of something.
Then we came home and I went to work and Adrian went to work and Christmas was over. Its always hard to come back home(IN) after a vacation, especially after visiting home (SC). Even after being gone from the south for seven months, I still have a place there, or a legacy anyway. Here, I have a history of seven months and the ability to notify people with one glance that, "Well, we knew you wasn't from here".
I heard a man say recently that everyone wants to feel loved, everyone wants to have a place. He also said (sort of) that when we feel loved by God, we find our place. What he didn't say is that God is loving us even when we wonder how He manages to define His leading as love. Sometimes God's love doesn't feel warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it hurts, but then I guess God knows all about that. Christ didn't come to earth to find His place or feel loved, he didn't come so there would be Christmas. I'd imagine that everyday He lived and anticipated when He could go home again. But while He was here, he really lived. He wasn't one of the lonely, He was the one searching them out, giving them a reason to celebrate, giving them a place. And they hated Him because, "We knew you wasn't from here"...
We went to South Carolina and enjoyed a southern white Christmas for the first time in almost 50 years. Its nice to go home when you don't live there anymore. I don't have to feel responsible for dirty dishes or unplanned meals or hanging out laundry when its freezing outside. We also got to shop and crochet and eat cheese. Those are things that I think we did the most of on our vacation.
Crocheting is my new hobby.My sister in law made herself a sweater and I decided if she can make one then I can too. So far I've actually produced almost four scarves and one and a half hats. Unfortunatly, I'm getting tired of my new hobby and I have yet to produce a sweater.
We ate lots of cheese 'cause mom had these large squares of the stuff that she'd gotten at Sam's Club. Makes sense since Sam's doesn't sell anything in small quantities. Anyway, she cubed it into nice little squares and we ate lots of them because they're fun to eat and I was feeling thin and thought I should eat lots of something.
Then we came home and I went to work and Adrian went to work and Christmas was over. Its always hard to come back home(IN) after a vacation, especially after visiting home (SC). Even after being gone from the south for seven months, I still have a place there, or a legacy anyway. Here, I have a history of seven months and the ability to notify people with one glance that, "Well, we knew you wasn't from here".
I heard a man say recently that everyone wants to feel loved, everyone wants to have a place. He also said (sort of) that when we feel loved by God, we find our place. What he didn't say is that God is loving us even when we wonder how He manages to define His leading as love. Sometimes God's love doesn't feel warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it hurts, but then I guess God knows all about that. Christ didn't come to earth to find His place or feel loved, he didn't come so there would be Christmas. I'd imagine that everyday He lived and anticipated when He could go home again. But while He was here, he really lived. He wasn't one of the lonely, He was the one searching them out, giving them a reason to celebrate, giving them a place. And they hated Him because, "We knew you wasn't from here"...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Where I Am
Its been so long.So very very long that I have written anything creative or happy or anything worth reading really.
I got married. The flowers were beautiful and did not reflect the florist from whom I bought them. The dress, guests, food, everything, went smashingly well and before we could quite comprehend it, we were thrust into the realm of matrimony.
When I say thrust, I mean that suddenly God shone a light down on us and said, " Now I'm going show you each how selfish you are, fight nice". I'm kidding. :) But it was a little shocking to see just how many differences there are in males and females. I'm talking about those glaring little truths that don't appear until you're trying to decide what to do with a free evening. One of us, I won't say which one, wants to sit in an organic coffee shop-the one with the barista who looks like a gyspy- and drink cofee while discussing dreams,ideas, and ideal health insurance. The other one of us, we won't say which one, wants to put on clothing washed in a special formula and sit quietly- WITH OUT TALKING!- while shooting at animals. We're learning and growing but its not a very speedy process, thus the clause where God tells us to work on it till death do us part.
When the small truths about our differences aren't glaring us in the eye, this life is a lovely one.
There have been more changes brought about with marriage that I am still learning to adapt too. First there was moving to a new community. I conquered this one with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. It doesn't help that I was introduced to my new home on a sweltering June day in a car with no air conditioning. I think my first impression was, " I hate it here, take me back!" And I probably said that with all the tact of a dominant first-born woman. I'm learning to love things about this place though, just like anywhere else God leads me, there is something good. In this case, the good is the beauty of the sun rising through a corn field (a sight I now see as I get up at the crack of dawn with my husband-he goes to work and I back to bed). The good is also the city park, it's full of beautiful trees and is surrounded by a meandering walkway. Then of course there's the fun in dodging horse manure left on the road by all the fun loving amish horses. :)
I have several jobs, my favorite is working as an aid in the local assisted living home. Sometime I'll write of all the wonderful things I have learned there but for now I'll leave you with just two. First, drink coffee, it seems to be a wonderful preservative of the mind and body. The second truth came from a wonderfully grandmotherly little lady. I played piano one evening and she told me of a time when she could play very well and she loved it. Then she looked at her hands and with a little sigh, said that they were too weak and shaky now to play anything. I asked her if that wasn't hard to give up and she smiled and said yes, buts its ok because, " THATS NOT WHERE I AM ANY MORE". So when I wonder if this will ever become home and if my new relationships will ever be perfect and when I miss the old normal, I remember, thats not where I am anymore. This right now, right here, the people in my life NOW, this is where I am.
Sonya
I got married. The flowers were beautiful and did not reflect the florist from whom I bought them. The dress, guests, food, everything, went smashingly well and before we could quite comprehend it, we were thrust into the realm of matrimony.
When I say thrust, I mean that suddenly God shone a light down on us and said, " Now I'm going show you each how selfish you are, fight nice". I'm kidding. :) But it was a little shocking to see just how many differences there are in males and females. I'm talking about those glaring little truths that don't appear until you're trying to decide what to do with a free evening. One of us, I won't say which one, wants to sit in an organic coffee shop-the one with the barista who looks like a gyspy- and drink cofee while discussing dreams,ideas, and ideal health insurance. The other one of us, we won't say which one, wants to put on clothing washed in a special formula and sit quietly- WITH OUT TALKING!- while shooting at animals. We're learning and growing but its not a very speedy process, thus the clause where God tells us to work on it till death do us part.
When the small truths about our differences aren't glaring us in the eye, this life is a lovely one.
There have been more changes brought about with marriage that I am still learning to adapt too. First there was moving to a new community. I conquered this one with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. It doesn't help that I was introduced to my new home on a sweltering June day in a car with no air conditioning. I think my first impression was, " I hate it here, take me back!" And I probably said that with all the tact of a dominant first-born woman. I'm learning to love things about this place though, just like anywhere else God leads me, there is something good. In this case, the good is the beauty of the sun rising through a corn field (a sight I now see as I get up at the crack of dawn with my husband-he goes to work and I back to bed). The good is also the city park, it's full of beautiful trees and is surrounded by a meandering walkway. Then of course there's the fun in dodging horse manure left on the road by all the fun loving amish horses. :)
I have several jobs, my favorite is working as an aid in the local assisted living home. Sometime I'll write of all the wonderful things I have learned there but for now I'll leave you with just two. First, drink coffee, it seems to be a wonderful preservative of the mind and body. The second truth came from a wonderfully grandmotherly little lady. I played piano one evening and she told me of a time when she could play very well and she loved it. Then she looked at her hands and with a little sigh, said that they were too weak and shaky now to play anything. I asked her if that wasn't hard to give up and she smiled and said yes, buts its ok because, " THATS NOT WHERE I AM ANY MORE". So when I wonder if this will ever become home and if my new relationships will ever be perfect and when I miss the old normal, I remember, thats not where I am anymore. This right now, right here, the people in my life NOW, this is where I am.
Sonya
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Weddings=Cookbooks,flowers, and 2,000 yrs
There is an incredible amount of physical and emotional energy that goes into planning a wedding. But once you have some of it done, the rest is easy. I find it funny how sometimes I'm obviously buying something wedding related or the subject comes up and women all around drop what they're doing to listen to my story and tell their own.
Now there have been a few instances where the idea of a fairy tale didn't light the hidden, womanly, love lamp. I was fabric shopping and a very nice lady named after a pizza parlor came and offered assistance. Well actually, she noticed my notebook and thought it was a cookbook. She inquired if I have cookbooks and I told her my church sells one and she gave me her number. Then she kindly led me through the store showing me fabric, none of which I decided to buy. I thought of the loveless lamp again when I met the woman whom destiny,necessity, and better prices have chosen for my florist. I stood on the front porch of her house/shop and knocked repeatedly on the door while her fat,short-haired cats, rubbed my ankles. SICK. She led me in and I went through little books searching for the perfect flowers. My future florist left me alone with some of her other cats and trotted about making bouquets. I wonder if the magic has worn off for her because she knows how even the most beautiful of flowers are quickly fading. She was in the kitchen banging like a mad woman when in walked Ricky, a paragon of redneck pride. He stared at me then wafted by on a cloud of second hand smoke as he marched into the kitchen and kissed my future florist. Yaaaa.... That's what I thought.
Almost everyone gets excited about weddings. I think its safe to say no one gets as excited as those getting married but I love it when my friends and others around me take a personal interest in this celebration and work to make it their own as well.
I'm not the only one planning a wedding celebration these days but while I have 3 months, He's had to wait 2,000 yrs for a bride in love with "cookbooks" and a fading delight with the wedding flowers.
Lets celebrate His wedding this week shall we? Loves and Hugs~ Sonya
Now there have been a few instances where the idea of a fairy tale didn't light the hidden, womanly, love lamp. I was fabric shopping and a very nice lady named after a pizza parlor came and offered assistance. Well actually, she noticed my notebook and thought it was a cookbook. She inquired if I have cookbooks and I told her my church sells one and she gave me her number. Then she kindly led me through the store showing me fabric, none of which I decided to buy. I thought of the loveless lamp again when I met the woman whom destiny,necessity, and better prices have chosen for my florist. I stood on the front porch of her house/shop and knocked repeatedly on the door while her fat,short-haired cats, rubbed my ankles. SICK. She led me in and I went through little books searching for the perfect flowers. My future florist left me alone with some of her other cats and trotted about making bouquets. I wonder if the magic has worn off for her because she knows how even the most beautiful of flowers are quickly fading. She was in the kitchen banging like a mad woman when in walked Ricky, a paragon of redneck pride. He stared at me then wafted by on a cloud of second hand smoke as he marched into the kitchen and kissed my future florist. Yaaaa.... That's what I thought.
Almost everyone gets excited about weddings. I think its safe to say no one gets as excited as those getting married but I love it when my friends and others around me take a personal interest in this celebration and work to make it their own as well.
I'm not the only one planning a wedding celebration these days but while I have 3 months, He's had to wait 2,000 yrs for a bride in love with "cookbooks" and a fading delight with the wedding flowers.
Lets celebrate His wedding this week shall we? Loves and Hugs~ Sonya
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sunday Musings
Sunday. I love this day. Right now I’m spending it with a computer and coffee and Michael Buble. It gets better though, Adrian is on his way down and then I’ll turn off my computer and Michael and drain the last drops of coffee from my cup.
I turned 21 this last week and on the eve of every birthday, I write in my journal the thoughts and feelings I have on turning older. I write about how I feel concerning my next year and ponder what I did with my previous one. I did not go out and get trashed on my birthday, if anyone wonders. I had coldstone which is the best icecream ever made and I can’t imagine that drinking something comparative to Nyquil could ever be fun and celebratory.
A year ago on Super Bowl Sunday I learned about football and fried food. We had fried wings, fried cheese sticks, fried potatoes, maybe even a fried oreo. I remember what I wore and who won and how we didn’t stay for the game’s ending. It was also my 20th birthday and I didn’t feel or act mature. :)
Sunday school, Hebrews 11, Sinner or Saint? I’ve been thinking bout this ever since I got home from church today and I hate thinking of myself as a Saint. Oh the Responsibility. If we’re forgiven, we’re not sinners, yes we mess up, but we’re a new person in Christ. Therefore I can’t write off every stupid thing I want to do as a fallen nature. It’s funny because there are so many things I’ve wanted to do that aren’t sin, but when I hear that little voice saying, “Uhuh, that’s not my Kingdom” it becomes sin. I can’t say I really like hearing that little voice because for one thing, it speaks a lot, for another, people give me these “looks” when I talk about it too much.
I kinda wonder if everything comes back to what we want out of life. Philippians talks about the prize of the High Calling of Christ. It’s a gift and I have this inclination, more oft then not, to view it as an albatross.
I worked this week and Willie Mae has certain stories she likes to tell better then others. The one I have heard the most is about how she didn’t graduate from school but went on to nursing school and became second on the board of SC nursing graduates. The story goes about the first test they took in college; Only two students passed, her and one other girl. The other students immediately accused her of lying about her previous education. Willie Mae mentions this every week if not ever day, it’s like she has this incredibly need for affirmation.
Over and over and over I tell God all the sins I’ve ever committed. I know God tries not to remember our sins anymore but somehow I think we make it hard for Him. Then I ask Him over and over and over, was I worth it? Need I ask…
So I remember past years, and I think about being 21. I think about not needing to be worthy and simply accepting the Gift of a High Calling.
Have a super week! Loves Sonya
I turned 21 this last week and on the eve of every birthday, I write in my journal the thoughts and feelings I have on turning older. I write about how I feel concerning my next year and ponder what I did with my previous one. I did not go out and get trashed on my birthday, if anyone wonders. I had coldstone which is the best icecream ever made and I can’t imagine that drinking something comparative to Nyquil could ever be fun and celebratory.
A year ago on Super Bowl Sunday I learned about football and fried food. We had fried wings, fried cheese sticks, fried potatoes, maybe even a fried oreo. I remember what I wore and who won and how we didn’t stay for the game’s ending. It was also my 20th birthday and I didn’t feel or act mature. :)
Sunday school, Hebrews 11, Sinner or Saint? I’ve been thinking bout this ever since I got home from church today and I hate thinking of myself as a Saint. Oh the Responsibility. If we’re forgiven, we’re not sinners, yes we mess up, but we’re a new person in Christ. Therefore I can’t write off every stupid thing I want to do as a fallen nature. It’s funny because there are so many things I’ve wanted to do that aren’t sin, but when I hear that little voice saying, “Uhuh, that’s not my Kingdom” it becomes sin. I can’t say I really like hearing that little voice because for one thing, it speaks a lot, for another, people give me these “looks” when I talk about it too much.
I kinda wonder if everything comes back to what we want out of life. Philippians talks about the prize of the High Calling of Christ. It’s a gift and I have this inclination, more oft then not, to view it as an albatross.
I worked this week and Willie Mae has certain stories she likes to tell better then others. The one I have heard the most is about how she didn’t graduate from school but went on to nursing school and became second on the board of SC nursing graduates. The story goes about the first test they took in college; Only two students passed, her and one other girl. The other students immediately accused her of lying about her previous education. Willie Mae mentions this every week if not ever day, it’s like she has this incredibly need for affirmation.
Over and over and over I tell God all the sins I’ve ever committed. I know God tries not to remember our sins anymore but somehow I think we make it hard for Him. Then I ask Him over and over and over, was I worth it? Need I ask…
So I remember past years, and I think about being 21. I think about not needing to be worthy and simply accepting the Gift of a High Calling.
Have a super week! Loves Sonya
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
So I Was Thinking...
So I was thinking...
If I died tomorrow what would have I done differently...
I would have smiled at more strangers,
And said hi to people I didn't know
I would have filled up my days with coffee dates,
And babysitting for busy moms
I would have loved people better,
And then, I would have let them love me
I would have wanted to know God's will,
And I would have wanted to do it
Then I had another thought...
As far as I know, I have tomorrow...
~Sonya
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Evidence of Heaven
“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
I don’t know the reference for that verse, I don’t even know if I quoted it correctly. I just like it :)
I don’t like January; I don’t think I’ve ever liked January. Today I was sitting here staring at the screen of the computer thinking what a monotonous month it is, especially after Christmas. Christmas is Beautiful. There’s people you love and presents you don’t need and this wonderful feeling of being at peace with the world. Then it all kinda melts away with the snow, if you were lucky enough to get snow, and there is the reality of another year. Sometimes I get excited looking at the new year and other times I wonder how I’m going to survive another 365 days of the unknown.
Yesterday I went to work for my Willie Mae and it was a gross work day and a funny story day. I had the privilege of cleaning her fridge and it was disgusting. Before I cleaned the fridge, I was given an apron from the Great Depression; it depressed me thinking about wearing it. Not really because it was ugly, more because it was covered with cat hair from Bonny Mae. I don’t like Bonny Mae and Bonny Mae does not like me. So I was cleaning and as I cleaned I wondered how I would feel and if I would do a better job if I was cleaning Jesus’ fridge instead of Willie Mae’s. Willie Mae’s fridge looked better due to this thought process.
I love working there with these older people (yes its not just Willie Mae, there are other residents). I’m learning things, mainly how it is to be aware of what I have and happy with what I don’t. I think it makes Willie Mae happy to not have something because she gets to think up a new way of making due. I’m also learning that I don’t want to hold so tightly to life. I don’t want to live with a fear of dying after having my chance at life.
Looking back to several years ago, I had a similar job opportunity and I flatly said “no”. It wasn’t my ideal job. I don’t think it is now either but I don’t know if I really know what that would be anymore. I want to work with people, I want to be able to laugh at what happens with work, I want it to be stretching, I want to be needed, maybe it is my ideal.
This morning I woke up and day dreamed about Heaven. I know odd, and maybe morbid. But I think it will be beautiful; I think it will compensate for every tired and empty moment we’ve ever felt on earth. I think we’re supposed to want Heaven, but to know that we’re here, and this is earth and not try to make it something else.
Sometimes I want those things that are hoped for, I want them now. Instead maybe, for everyone around me, I’m supposed to be the Evidence of Things Not Seen.
January blues and Willie Mae, a year of unknowns…Heaven.
“…The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Sonya
I don’t know the reference for that verse, I don’t even know if I quoted it correctly. I just like it :)
I don’t like January; I don’t think I’ve ever liked January. Today I was sitting here staring at the screen of the computer thinking what a monotonous month it is, especially after Christmas. Christmas is Beautiful. There’s people you love and presents you don’t need and this wonderful feeling of being at peace with the world. Then it all kinda melts away with the snow, if you were lucky enough to get snow, and there is the reality of another year. Sometimes I get excited looking at the new year and other times I wonder how I’m going to survive another 365 days of the unknown.
Yesterday I went to work for my Willie Mae and it was a gross work day and a funny story day. I had the privilege of cleaning her fridge and it was disgusting. Before I cleaned the fridge, I was given an apron from the Great Depression; it depressed me thinking about wearing it. Not really because it was ugly, more because it was covered with cat hair from Bonny Mae. I don’t like Bonny Mae and Bonny Mae does not like me. So I was cleaning and as I cleaned I wondered how I would feel and if I would do a better job if I was cleaning Jesus’ fridge instead of Willie Mae’s. Willie Mae’s fridge looked better due to this thought process.
I love working there with these older people (yes its not just Willie Mae, there are other residents). I’m learning things, mainly how it is to be aware of what I have and happy with what I don’t. I think it makes Willie Mae happy to not have something because she gets to think up a new way of making due. I’m also learning that I don’t want to hold so tightly to life. I don’t want to live with a fear of dying after having my chance at life.
Looking back to several years ago, I had a similar job opportunity and I flatly said “no”. It wasn’t my ideal job. I don’t think it is now either but I don’t know if I really know what that would be anymore. I want to work with people, I want to be able to laugh at what happens with work, I want it to be stretching, I want to be needed, maybe it is my ideal.
This morning I woke up and day dreamed about Heaven. I know odd, and maybe morbid. But I think it will be beautiful; I think it will compensate for every tired and empty moment we’ve ever felt on earth. I think we’re supposed to want Heaven, but to know that we’re here, and this is earth and not try to make it something else.
Sometimes I want those things that are hoped for, I want them now. Instead maybe, for everyone around me, I’m supposed to be the Evidence of Things Not Seen.
January blues and Willie Mae, a year of unknowns…Heaven.
“…The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Sonya
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